The Very Unofficial Joke List

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two flutists playing in unison.

What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.

How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.

What’s worse than having an oboe player in the band?
Having two.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

Why is an English horn solo like wetting your pants?
Both give you a warm feeling, but no one cares.

What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon

How many oboe players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one but he'll go through 30 to 40 bulbs to find the best one.

What do you call perfect pitch in an oboe?
In the dumpster without hitting the side.

Definition of an oboe: An ill wind that no one blows good.

How do you get an oboe players eyes to light up?
Shine a flashlight in their ears.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards?
So they can park in handicapped zones.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano saxophone?
You can tune a lawnmower.

What's the definition of a minor second interval?
Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
One to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune sax player! The other two indicate you've been hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a bari-sax?
Add vibrato.

A “great white hunter” goes on his first big game hunt in deepest Africa. After traveling many days into the jungle he approaches the village where he is to stay and starts to hear drums. The drums pound away with a relentless pattern. The first night the drums continue without ceasing. The next day, drums never ending. Before night the hunter goes to the chief and asks about the drums, the chief says “drums must never stop”. The man insists that the drums stop so he can sleep, chief says: “Drums must never stop.” The next day, still relentless drums. At night fall the hunter has had all he can stand, he grabs up his gun, finds the chief, points the gun to his head. He asks: “Why must the drums never stop?” The chief replies “Drums stop, piccolos start!”

HOW TO PLAY THE SAXOPHONE Editor's note: Part of the Tinley Park Community Band's mission is to educate the public about all things music. Therefore we provide this adaptation of a professional musician's guide from Saxgourmet.com to playing one of the most versatile of instruments. First things first: If you're a white guy, you'll need a stupid hat, the more stupid the better and preferably a beret. Sunglasses are optional, but all the really, really good players wear them, especially indoors. You'll also need some “gig shirts” -- Hawaiians are good, but in a pinch anything with a loud floral pattern is acceptable, as are T-shirts from various jazz clubs and festivals. The good thing about the latter is that you can get them mail order so you don't have to go to all the trouble of actually seeing and hearing live music. And sandals are an absolute must, even in winter. Once you've assembled the proper attire you can begin practicing. One of the most important things about playing is being able to convey emotion to the audience. This you do through various facial expressions. The two emotions you'll need to convey are (1) rapture/ecstasy and (2) soul-wrenching pain and sadness (i.e., the blues). You may find it useful in the beginning to borrow a page from the method acting school. So, for example, to convey rapture, try thinking of something nice -- like puppy dogs or having Uma Thurman feed you Armour hot dogs with truffle sauce. To convey the "blues" try thinking of something really appalling - like ulcerative colitis or Alec Baldwin. You should practice your facial expressions in front of a mirror at least two hours per day. You may feel a tad stupid at first, but you'll never get the chicks if you don't jump around on stage like a monkey -- with your face screwed up like there's a rabid wolverine devouring your pancreas. And, bottom line, getting chicks is really what music's all about. Next, you'll need the correct ligature. Some people think that the ligature is just a stupid old piece of metal that holds the reed on the mouthpiece. Well, those people are idiots. Besides your beret, the ligature is the single most important piece of musical equipment you will ever buy. Mine, for example, is 40% platinum and 60% titanium; one screw is rubidium and the other plutonium. It makes me sound exactly like Booker Ervin would if Booker Ervin wasn't (1) dead and/or (2) living on Mars. You may have to spend years and years and thousands of dollars finding the proper ligature, but in the end it definitely will be worth it. Now reeds. Optimally, you'll want to move to Cuba, grow and cure your own cane, and carve your own reeds by hand. If you're just a "weekend warrior" however, you can get by with store-bought reeds. First, buy ten boxes of reeds -100 in all. Next, open all the boxes and throw away 60 reeds. Those were unplayable. Take the remaining reeds and soak them in a mixture of 27.8% rubbing alcohol and 72.2% pituitary gland extract for a period of 17 weeks. Throw away 20 more reeds. Those were stuffy. Take the remaining 20 reeds and sand each one for exactly 13 seconds with #1200 grade 3M sandpaper. Throw away 14 reeds. Those squeaked. Take the remaining 6 reeds and soak them for another 17 weeks, this time however in a mixture of 27.8% pituitary gland extract and 72.2% rubbing alcohol. Sun-dry the 6 remaining reeds for 3 weeks, optimally at an equatorial latitude, and throw away 3 more just on general principles. You now have 3 reeds that will last you several months if you play each one only 20 minutes a day in strict rotation. Now, you say you just bought a horn. Although you didn't say what kind it is, I'd sell it immediately and get a different one. The best one to get would be a Selmer Mark VI made at 4:27 PM on June 14, 1963, serial number 635543. If you can't get that one though, generally speaking, the older and more expensive the better. The following brands are good: Selmer Paris Mark VI. The following brands suck: any other Selmer, Yamaha, Conn, Beuscher, Yanigasawa, Cannonball, LA, Jupiter, Elkhart, King, Martin, Keilworth, Boosey and Hawkes, Couf, Silvertone, and Holton. On no account should you play the horn before you buy it: go strictly on reputation and price. You will also need some accouterments: a flight case capable of withstanding atmospheric pressure of dP = - Dg dz where D and g are, respectively, the density of air and the acceleration due to gravity at the altitude of the air layer and dz is a horizontal layer of air having unit surface area and infinitesimal thickness a metronome a tuner a combination alto-tenor-baritone sax stand with pegs for an oboe, bass clarinet, flute, english horn and bassoon Band in a Box every Jamie Abersold play-along record ever created a reed cutter swabs, cleaners, pad savers, pad dope, pad clamps a Sennheiser Digital 1092 Wireless Microphone an effects rig with digital delay and parametric EQ and a 200 watt (per channel, minimum) amplifier and 18" monitor It will be helpful if you listen to lots of sax players. Unfortunately, listening solely to players you like is absolutely the worst thing you can do. To really understand the music and its traditions you have to go back to the beginning and listen to every bit of music ever recorded. I'd start with madrigals and work forward. Once you get to the 20th century, pay particular attention to players like Jimmy Dorsey, Sidney Bechet, and Al Gallodoro who are the foundations of the modern jazz saxophone. In no time at all, or by 2034-whichever comes first-you'll be able to understand the unique be-bop stylings of players like Ace Cannon, Boots Randolph, and Sam Butera. Finally, to play the sax itself, blow in the small end and move your fingers around.

 

BRASS

How do trumpet players park in the handicap spots?
They put drumsticks on the dash.

How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
Seven - if you lay them out correctly.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and the other four to tell him how much better they could of done it.

How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

How many French Horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but they’ll spend two hours adjusting it and checking for leaks.

What do you get when you cross a French Horn player with a goal post?
A goal post that can’t march.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play trombone -- but doesn't.

What’s the difference between a dead country music singer in the middle of the road and a dead trombonist in the middle of the road?
The country singer may have been on his way to a recording session.

What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A tattoo.

What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
Drive-by trombone solos.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.

How many Bass Trombonists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he’ll do it too loud.

Why do people play trombone?
Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
On or off.

What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.

What’s the difference between a 3/4 tuba and a 5/4 tuba?
About 5 more yards.

2 tubas walk past a bar....hey, it could happen.

How do you raise the town's IQ?
Shoot the tuba player.

Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.

How mny tubas does it take to change a light bulb?
Five -- one to change the bulb, 4 to complain how high it is.

What's a tuba for?
1½ inches by 3½ inches.

Chicago Symphony Orchestra Selection Committee 220 S. Michigan Ave. Chicago, IL 60600 To whom it may concern: I wish to apply immediately for the job of Second Trombone and I already have two trombones. Although I have not played much in an orchestra, I have played along with lots of Classic (no vocal) records. I found that if I slowed them up a little that the songs automatically went into the flat keys which are much easier, but I think I could do the sharp keys in a short time. I was a student for several years of Mr. Remington (Buck, not Emory) and then went with the circus band where my tone really got great. You don't have to worry about me being able to blast through on the Vogner stuff, that's for sure. After I watched "10", I got out my horn and worked up a really great solo on "Bolero", (do you know that there is a dance by this name too?) but I still have trouble knowing when to come in with the record. Does your arrangement sound the same all the way through too? Anyway, I know that if I get the job that the people in Chicago will like my version which is do-wop. Would I have to sit real close to the violins? They never seem to play very loud and my tone sort of cuts off if I have to play too soft so it would be best if I could sit in front of the drums, like in the circus band. Also, I'd kind of like to sit on the outside so people could see me. I am practicing every day for the audition and am working on a new thing called legato, but it's still a little smeary. I think you'll like it though. But, if your music is anything like this Rubank stuff, it will be a challenge to my teck technique teqch ability. There is a position on trombones called 5th, but hardly any notes are there. Does your music have many of these notes and if so, what are they? I'd like to know all of this before I pay bus fare down to Chicago and how much does the job pay? Sincerely, Slide Rafferty P.S. I have lots of music stands and probably have one like you guys use, so that would be a cost saving.

EDITORIAL: TROMBONES REPRESENT DANGER TO SOCIETY, THEMSELVES WASHINGTON, D.C. - Each year thousands are people are killed, maimed or annoyed by trombones. The statistics of head, neck and even shoulder injuries sustained by reed players, French horn and string sections seated within reach of the deadly seventh position are truly shocking...not to mention forced early retirement due to ever- increasing hearing problems reported by classical musicians of all types who are forced to play the music of Wagner, Mahler and Brahms, as well as the hundreds of alumni of the Herman, Ferguson and Kenton bands and OKOM devotees of Kid Ory, Jack Teagarden, Abe Lincoln Jim Robinson and Lee Gifford. There is current legislation pending in Congress to restrict the sale of trombones and equip them with child-safety devices. The influential trombone lobby is, of course, opposed to this. There have even been several proposals for requiring a so-called "trigger lock" on all bass trombones! Every year there are reports of hundreds of innocent children, attracted by the shiny brass and smooth, seductive curves of an unattended instrument on a stand in the corner of a room or in an unlocked case who are traumatized for life by the attempts of a playmate to get a sound out of it, or who may suffer a collapsed lung or the effects of hyperventilation by trying the same effort themselves! The owner's feeble "I didn't know the slide was unlocked" is no excuse! Trombones should be stored out of reach of children. Efforts to enact a mandatory 10-day waiting period to purchase a trombone - which would simply allow a reasonable period of time for law enforcement officials to cross-check the purchaser's name against an International list of registered trombone offenders and Slide-O-Mix addicts, have been repeatedly thwarted by the powerful Conn-Selmer-Yamaha (CSY) lobby. Law enforcement officials are particularly alarmed over the increase in crimes involving use of the "sawed-off" trombone or "sackbut." Legislation is also pending in several progressive states, including New York and California, to make carrying a concealed alto trombone a Class A felony! Some Governors feel that there are sufficient laws already on the books that simply need stricter enforcement - such as the 1932 nationwide ban of screw-on bells, the indiscriminate use of Pond's Cold Cream or KY Jelly and unsupervised emptying of spit valves on public property; a filthy unsanitary habit which will help spread the flu this year. One popular response to the spread of delinquent behavior is the imposition of mandatory longer sentences for those using a trombone while committing a crime ("Use a trombone - Go to jail"). Surveillance video tapes have proven especially effective in identifying violators of this statute because career criminals have often tried to avoid convictions by having their lawyers insist that what eyewitnesses reported as a trombone was really only an AK-47 or other legal assault weapon. Strict enforcement has been especially effective when used in conjunction with the new "Three sharps, you're out" statutes that have already been approved by many state legislatures. Of course the automatic and semiautomatic valved models, both piston and the middle-European rotary, are much more dangerous than the traditional single valve trombone. Interpol has also reported the sudden appearance of rear-blasting Cavalry models that were thought to have been completely eliminated during the Great Confiscation mandated by the 1918 Treaty of Versailles signed by representatives of every civilized country of the period. You may recall that those instruments were melted down and became an integral part of the Trans-Atlantic Telephone Cable that helped to unite America and Europe. It is believed that the new source of these WMD's are isolated factories in rural areas of China. The awesome destructive power of the double trigger bass trombone could never have been imagined by the founding fathers when they granted us the right to keep and bear arms. Remember: When trombones are outlawed, only outlaws will play "I'm Gettin' Sentimental Over You."

The Official Dictionary for Trombonists key: (n-noun, abbrev-abbreviation, adj-adjective) alto trombone-n. A very weak tenor trombone bass trombone-n. 1-Several mutually exclusive instruments hooked together by an ingenious set of tubes, rotors, levers and valves. Capable of very loud, very rude noises accompanied by a percussive symphony of mechanical clanks, squeaks, squawks and whistles; 2-The lead trumpet of the trombone family. bass trombonist-n. The one in the section who couldn't develop any high range whatsoever as a young player and is now getting even by drowning everyone else out whenever he gets a chance. bass trumpet-n. An instrument that combines all the worst features of the trumpet and the trombone. boss-n. The conductor of the business world. conductor-n. One who has accepted the fact that he cannot play but has NOT accepted the reasons why. contractor-n. Someone who cannot play, does not know it, but thinks he knows how OTHER people play. doodle tongue-n. A rapid tonguing style that is too weak. double tongue-n. A rapid tonguing style that is too strong. embouchure-n. An ad hoc and ephemeral arrangement of the tissues of the face designed to allow a trombonist to play a desired note. Some players claim to have only one. They are the ones who can only play one note. flexibility-n, A talent best left to gymnasts and contortionists. fortissimo-adj. A trombonist's mezzo-piano. free jazz-n. Jazz for which no one will pay any money. F trigger-abbrev. Originally used when the first one failed in the middle of a concert and the player was overheard to say "F*#@ing trigger!!!" as he tried to make it work. gig bag-n. A container designed to collect and hold dents. high range-n. The range above where you can comfortably play. jazz club-n. A place where people pay a lot of money not to listen to jazz, most of which does not go to the musicians to whom they are not listening. jazz festival-n. A place where people pay a lot of money not to listen to music that is not jazz in the first place. jazz trombone-n. (also called peashooter, slipstick, small bore horn, and primitive blow stick) Any trombone that sounds bad below middle Bb and shrill above middle C. lead trombonist-n. (also referred to as principal trombonist) The one in the section w/the worst middle and low range. legato-dj. A style of playing midway between glissando and staccato . Rarely achieved on the slide trombone. low range-n. 1-The ugly part; 2-The clumsy part; 3-The range below which you can comfortably play. microphone-n. A mechanical device designed to collect and amplify the least pleasing 5% of the sound of a trombone. middle range-n. 1-The range in which you can be sure not to miss note, usually less than a minor third; 2-The range in which you run out of excuses. mouthpiece-n. A convenient excuse for missed notes. mute-n. A device designed to render the already largely ignored trombone completely inaudible. no pressure system-n. A way of playing the trombone that lets lots of air escape from around the rim of the mouthpiece. orchestral trombone-n. 1-Originally a medium sized horn used primarily in support of the woodwinds and strings; 2-In contemporary times, a gigantic horn used primarily to drown out the woodwinds and strings; 3-Also contemporarily, any trombone that is too large on which to comfortably play the trombone solo in Ravel's "Bolero". pianissimo-adj. No definition available in a trombone dictionary. pitch- n. What all the other instruments do not have. rubato-adj. What most conductors consider a steady tempo. second trombonist-n. The one in the section who can play well neither high nor low. single tongue-n. A rapid tonguing style that does not work. solo-n. Something played by everyone but trombonists. spit valve-n. A device invented to torture people who sit in front of trombonists. staccato-adj., n. Notes short enough that you can't hear the slide glissando that occurs between them. string players-n. The ones w/the earplugs. (Also saxophonists in jazz big band situations.) tenor tombone-n. A trombone that is neither capable of being played high enough or low enough to be easily heard. trombone-n. 1-A puzzle in the shape of a brass instrument designed to totally defeat whomever is foolish enough to try to solve it; 2-A brass instrument that is most often used as camouflage and support for bad trumpet and french horn players; 3-The interior lineman in the game of music. valve trombone-n. 1-An oxymoron; 2-A trombone for people with short arms, a weak tongue, bad pitch and/or little or no hand/eye/ear coordination.

PERCUSSION

What do you call someone who hangs around musicians?
A drummer.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. (They have machines to do that now.)

How can you tell if a drummer is knocking on your door?
He rushes.

What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
The Defendant

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a drummer?
About three decibels.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?  
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.

What does a timpanist say when he gets to his gig?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"

What did the timpanist get on his IQ test?
Drool.

Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in the parade.

How drummers think of the Star Spangled Banner: Oh, say can you BOOM, CRASH By the dawn's early BOOM, CRASH What so proudly we BOOM, CRASH At the twilight's last gleaming? Whose broad stripes and bright BOOM, CRASH Through the perilous BOOM, CRASH O'er the ramparts we BOOM, CRASH Were so gallantly streaming? 3 & 1...2...3... 2...2...3... 3...2...3... 4...2...3... 5...2...3... 6...2...3... 7...2...3... 8...2...0h, BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOOOOMMMM; BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOOOOMMMM; BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

EVERYBODY ELSE

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in back and don't play.

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.

What's the difference between a viola and a cello?
The cello burns longer.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.

Definition of a string quartet:
A good violinist, a bad violinist, a would-be violinist, and someone who hates violin getting together to complain about dead composers.

Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

How does a soprano change a light bulb?
She holds it up and the world revolves around her.

What’s the difference between a soprano and Arab terrorists?
You can negotiate with terrorists.

How do you know an alto is at your door?
She can’t find her key.

What has 32 feet and an IQ of 83?
A flag corps.

What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

What does a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
They both suck when you plug them in.

What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

What will you never say about a banjo player?
“ Hey! That's the banjo player's Porsche.”

How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.

Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run.

“Hey, buddy! How late does the band play?”
“About half a beat behind the drummer.”

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?  
He had to break a window to get the drummer out!

GLOSSARY OF ANCIENT MUSICAL TERMS

ACCIDENTALS: Wrong notes

AUGMENTED FIFTH: A 36-ounce bottle

BROKEN CONSORT: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom.

CADENCE: When everybody hopes you're going to stop - but you don't

CADENZA: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola"

CANTUS FIRMUS: The part you get when you can only play four notes

CHANSONS DE GESTE: Dirty songs

CLAUSULA: Mrs. Santa

CROTCHET: A tritone with a bent prong - or...

CROTCHET: It's like knitting but it's faster

CUT TIME: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.

DUCTIA: A lot of mallards

EMBOUCHRE: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn

ESTAMPIE: What they put on letters in Quebec

GARGLEFINKLEIN: A tiny recorder played by neums

HOCKET: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett

INTERVAL: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds:
- Major Interval: A long time
- Minor Interval: A few bars
- Inverted Interval: When you have to back one bar and try again

INTONATION: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages

ISORHYTHMIC MOTET: When half of the ensemble got a different xerox than the other half

MINNESINGER: A boy soprano

MUSICA FICTA: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as faking

NEUMS: Renaissance midgets

NEUMATIC MELISMA: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets

ORDO: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings"

PERFORMANCE PRACTISE: Sex education

ROTA: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts

TROTTO: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge

LAUDA: The difference between shawms and krummhorns

SANCTA: Clausula's husband

LASSO: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale

DI LASSO: Popular with Italian cowboys

LAI: What monks give up when they take their vows

VIRELAI: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai

CONDUCTUS: The process of getting Vire into the cloister

MOTET: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded

ORGANUM: You may not participate in the Lai without one

PARALELL ORGANUM: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire

DUCTIA: Vire's organum

MINIM: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line

BREVE: The time you spend when the line is short

TEMPUS PERFECTUM: A good time was had by all

TEMPUS IMPERFECTUM: Vire had to leave early

LONGA: The time between visits with Vire

PROLATION: Precautions taken before the Lai

CROTCHET: An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is not used

DRONE: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet

RHYTHMIC DRONE: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet

SOLESME: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet

ISORHYTHM: The individual process of releif when Vire is out of town

ORGANISTRUM: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, cause by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper

HURDY-GURDY: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum

QUAVER: Beginning viol class

RACKETT: Capped reeds class

RITORNELLO: An opera by Verdi

SINE PROPRIETATE: Cussing in church

SUPERTONIC: Schweppes

TRANSPOSITION: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece

TROPE: A malevolent Neum

TUTTI: A lot of sackbuts

STOPS: Something Bach did not have on his organ

AGNUS DEI: A famous female church composer

METRONOME: A dwarf who lives in the city

ALLEGRO: Leg fertilizer

RECITATIVE: A disease that Monteverdi had

ORCHESTRAL SUITES: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras

TONIGHT'S TOP TEN LIST

From the Home Office in Valporaiso, Indiana --

Top Ten signs your Community Band is Nuts
by Nathan Voges

10. Director's idea of modern music is medley of tunes from 1960s Italian films.

9. Saxes regularly sabotage each others ligatures.

8. Drummers insist on playing salsa instruments during the trio of Sousa's “Black Horse Troop.”

7. First Horn player's had a wobbly tone for so long, he thinks it's vibrato.

6. Always looking for that next killer arrangement of “Mack the Knife.”

5. Clarinets cover for bad embouchures by claiming they play on expensive, European, “low pitch” instruments.

4. Tuba player regularly leads the ensemble in a Tai Chi warm up.

3. Trumpeters giggle from one too many sniffs of their valve oil.

2. Flutist insists on tuning to her tinnitus note.

...and the Number One sign your community band is nuts:

1. Nobody has bothered to replace hearing aid batteries since that concert back in '99!

A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line
by Donn Laurence Mills

If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player).

1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs!
   
   
2. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor!
   
   
3. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure!
   
   
4. Look the other way just before cues!
   
   
5. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds... Percussion players must never have all their equipment!
   
   
6. Ask for a re-audition or seating change! Ask often! Give the impression you're about to quit! Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor!
   
   
7. Check if your instrument is in tune at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions! Brass players: drop mutes! Percussionists have a wide variety of droppable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds!
   
   
8. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, Oboe and Clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
   
   
9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time! (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part!)
   
   
10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing!
    
    
11. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music!
    
    
12. Look at your watch frequently! Shake it in disbelief occasionally!
    
    
13. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat!" Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently!
    
    
14. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece! Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it! Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
    
    
15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it! Don't say anything: make him wonder!
    
    
16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns! Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert!
    
    
17. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget!
    
    
18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all! Better yet... nonchalantly put away your instrument! Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important!

An important Public Service Announcement from Homeland Security
“BAND” WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

It's hard to believe that the Pentagon website contains this surprisingly un-PC section listing of some more obscure WMD's (Weapons of Mass Destruction): The following is a list of more obscure forms of domestic "Band" Weapons of Mass Destruction. These are the most insidious and dangerous weapons of all. To the common layperson, they appear innocuous and non-lethal, but in the right hands, they present a threat of incalculable proportions. Please read the following and heed all precautions therewith.

PICCOLO: the minute dimensions of this weapon make it especially lethal as it is easily concealed and can be set off just about anywhere. As a solo weapon, this device emits a high-pitched squeal that directly targets the inner ear. The application of this tone temporarily disorients its intended victim rendering him unable to react. The natural reaction of covering one's ears to reduce the intense pain causes military personnel within a 100 yard radius to drop their weapons leaving them defenseless to further attack.

Applied in concert with a second piccolo of slightly higher or lower pitch, the weapons produce the effect of an ice pick through the eardrum and may cause profuse bleeding of the aural cavity. These weapons are constructed in three forms; metal, composite materials, wood, or any combination of the three. The all-metal piccolos are especially lethal. The only countermeasure to this weapon is to apply psychological warfare in the following manner: compliment the musician on her: Clothes / Hair / Shoes. This will distract the musician(s) from emitting her deadly tones and cause her to gab endlessly about herself. This in itself takes us to another problem man has dealt with for a thousand years and to which there is no antidote. Good Luck!

FLUTE: Slightly less effective as the piccolo but still nothing to be trifled with. The flute possesses the same destructive qualities as the piccolo but is required in greater numbers to do so. Sixth and seventh grade females are especially effective with this weapon and are to be approached with extreme caution.

OBOE: This weapon may appear harmless at first sight. The instrument's stealth qualities lure its intended victims into a false state of security, and then hit them without mercy. The oboe itself is a harmless composite or wooden conical tube. Once the ordnance (reed) is inserted, it is a weapon of tremendous power. One comforting factor is that the oboe is only as dangerous as the musician who wields it. At first glance, the operator of the oboe appears sweet, demure, and quite approachable. Do not be fooled by this deception. The oboist is actually a very high strung and temperamental foe. This mania is caused by the perpetual search for the perfect reed, which we all know doesn't exist. Those who play on plastic reeds are the bottom dwellers of the oboe world and are especially dangerous.

The oboe is capable of producing a tone of laser-like quality. The sheer capabilities of volume produced can overpower an entire concert band. The resulting backpressure produced by over blowing has a two-way effect. It allows the musician to play seemingly forever on one breath resulting in sympathetic vibrations causing bulletproof glass and diamonds to shatter into deadly flying shards. The warning signs of impending doom occur when the musician raises the body of the instrument to her mouth to blow dust from under a key. This is how the weapon is cocked. If you ever see an oboist do this, run for cover my friend, for all Hell is about to break loose. The second effect of this weapon's backpressure is to cause its owner to eventually go insane. On rare occasions an oboist's head has been known to explode while firing their weapon. The only countermeasure to this weapon is to remove and professionally destroy the ordnance (reed). Doing so will also incur the wrath of its owner, so use extreme caution.

Eb CLARINET: The Eb clarinet is the Tasmanian Devil of the woodwind family. Entirely uncontrollable and unpredictable, its blunderbuss like emissions can occur without warning. It is as much a danger to its owner as it is to the intended victim. For this reason the Eb clarinet is not in wide use today and only used by highly trained professionals and circus band daredevils.

Bb CLARINET: As the flute is to the piccolo, the Bb Clarinet is to the Eb Clarinet. The only time a Bb clarinet is considered truly dangerous is in the hands of a saxophonist doubling on clarinet. His seemingly lacking ability to adjust his air to the clarinet causes a tone so forced and horrific that decorum prevents me from continuing.

ALTO, BASS, CONTRA BASS CLARINET: The Scud missiles of the clarinet family. Considered low-grade weapons, these clarinets are of limited lethality due to the extreme geekiness of their operators.

BASSOON: This is a weapon designed to start wars. Used primarily indoors, this weapon's unique tone can cause great embarrassment in social situations. Also known as the "farting bed post" the bassoonist will hide behind a set of curtains at an official state dinner or similar function. With the help of a diplomatic operative during the meal, the intermittent flatulent tones emitted by the bassoon can be blamed on certain visiting high government official s, causing great embarrassment and the possible beginning of hostilities between two countries. The best countermeasure to the bassoon involves lighter fluid and matches (you fill in the blanks).

SOPRANO SAXOPHONE: (See Kenny G) AHHHHHHHHHRGHHH!!!!!

ALTO SAX: Originally invented by Adolph Sax as the result of an evening of much cheap wine and a dare by a drunken horn player, the instrument he produced is neither brass nor woodwind. The only intended victim of this vile weapon is the concert band French horn player. Nothing is worse than hearing a great brass lick only to be obscured by the overly reedy tone and wobbly "vibrato" of some half crazed alto sax doubling the horns and overplaying them. Composers and arrangers are to blame as much as the alto players. Older players unable to temper their 1940's swing band vibrato are also a danger. The only counter measure is to question their manhood by daring the player to play Charlie Parker's "Donna Lee" at 230 beats per minute. That should shut 'em up!

TRUMPET: Obviously one would think that a trumpeter's greatest weapon is his ability to play high notes at great volume. This misconception has been perpetuated unwittingly by great performers like Maynard Ferguson and Dizzy Gillespie. The danger is not in the player who can play high. The danger lies in the player who THINKS he can play high. A young player's incessant caterwauling and inflated ego are a danger to himself and all those around him. The most effective counter measure is to allow the player to continue his high note practice (even encourage him to go higher and louder) until his lips explode or he cracks a tooth jamming his face into the mouthpiece.

FRENCH HORN: French horns thankfully are a danger only to a small group of people, as their bells point in the wrong direction. They are only a danger to those unfortunate enough to have to sit behind them. Their intonation problems and constant cracking of pitches is of great annoyance to those brass players sitting behind them. Though lately the introduction of Plexiglas reflectors has reduced the danger to those behind the horns, unfortunately it presents a greater danger to the players themselves and those in front of them. Upon hearing their actual tones coming back at them, some hornists have been known to actually vomit on stage due to the hideousness of their own tone.

TROMBONE: A unique application, the instrument itself is not the real danger. The person playing the instrument is what is truly dangerous. The trombone and its player are the original "smart bomb." This weapon is most effective in high tech warfare areas. Insertion of one or more trombonists into a warfare computer center instantly lowers the aggregate I.Q. in the room. The trombonist's incredible stupidity is a lethal bio weapon that spreads at an incredible rate. Within 5 minutes of exposure, all computer operators within a 50-foot radius are reduced to drooling idiots incapable of the simplest motor functions and bowel control. Use of trombonists as weapons was outlawed by the Geneva Convention in 1999 after an ugly incident at a Dixieland convention in Sacramento. (For more on the dangers of the trombone, click here.)

BARITONE/EUPHONIUM: This is a weapon of mass confusion. Euphonium players are the Rodney Dangerfields of the brass world. Young players especially don't know their place in the band. They double French horns, trombones, saxophones, tubas in octaves, bass clarinets, bassoons...yadda, yadda, yadda! Euphonium orchestral parts are played by the second trombone or worse, the tuba player! For this reason most euphonium... baritone... WHATEVER!... players resort to doubling on trombone. This is when they become dangerous. (See trombone.)

TUBA: This is a sonic weapon that when set off can produce sonic tones causing a general feeling of uneasiness and queasiness to those within its effective range. In addition, one may attach a sousaphone to a marching column of soldiers. As all tubists drag, the ever-slowing performance of um-pahs will eventually reduce the marching soldiers to a snail's pace causing them to be late for a battle or not arrive at all. The most effective countermeasure is to feed the tubist with great quantities of beer (imports if you have them). It won't improve his playing but makes him more enjoyable to be around.

SNARE DRUM/TRAP SET: This weapon affects only a very small demographic: teenage girls and the fathers of these girls with steady jobs and liquid bank accounts. The snare drummer and the jazz/rock variety of set player act almost like a computer worm. The drummer will attach himself to an unsuspecting teenage girl and milk her and her father's finances in such a way as to not be noticed by the father until it is too late. Drummers are the leaches of the music world and can only be countered by being forced to get a real day job. This will reduce the drummer's "coolness" factor and the daughter will immediately lose interest.

That's all...there aren't any "Mo"!